As I said in my last blog, My great grandmother is sick. 

She recently lost balance and broke a hip. She had to have surgery, long story short, the surgeons did not think that she would survive the surgery. She did.

A few weeks later she had to have a couple more surgeries.

I'd like to think that I was close to her.

Truly, I don't know how to feel about my grandmother. She didn't feel good at all so we went and surprised her at the hospital in February. She got emotional because she didn't want us to see her like she was. We travelled from Switzerland to England for her and would've travelled a lot further if we had to. I've always looked up to her. She is a true role model. How at 103 years of age she was living alone and walking about. But she was so lonely, when she was healthy she used to say frequently, "Horris and my children are waiting for me. I mustn't keep them waiting." (Horris was her husband, all three of her children have also passed on.) I understand how she was hurting, but what hurts me is that I couldn't go and see her everyday. I felt like I wasted her precious time left. I felt after seeing her, she's going to be surviving for a while, not living. But little did I know she didn't have 'a while.' Which truly made my heart hurt. The thought that someone I've always looked up to and always tried to impress, wasn't living, but surviving, unexplainable thoughts were and still are running through my mind. 

She looked at me in a way she's never looked at me before. Like from the amount she could see she was trying to remember exactly how I looked. The was she starred at me examining every part of my face. And she put her hand on my face and just said to me, "I won't let you cry. I'm going to be fine. I will try to get better." I almost cried whilst I was in England. But I didn't, until I got home, by myself in my room, surrounded my my thoughts of my great grandmother.
I cried and cried until I had to stop, because my great grandmother was telling me to. 
​For me these emotions are completely new and I didn't know how to react.

"I when I went to sleep after my family from Switzerland left. I didn't want to wake up. When I did, I was sad." My great grandmother said to my uncle who goes there a lot to take care and keep her company.

A few weeks passed, 26th of March 2018, she passed in the company of my grandmother​.

This was when I couldn't hold back. The thought that I will never see her again makes me sick.

I hope going to heaven was everything she wished for and more. 

I love you Nana. 

Yours India. x

Wow. 

17 dead in Florida. 100 white house staff lacking security clearances. South African president Jacob Zuma resigns. My great-grandmother is sick.

Quick update.
No, my blog is not a news page. Most of my readers, all my readers I know personally but not even my mum knows how I'm feeling about my great-grandmother.
I'm not one to hurl out all my feelings to anyone, I like to keep to myself, yes, I'll tell someone why I'm sad if I'm sad or why I'm happy if I'm happy. But how I truly feel is something I like to keep to myself. Which isn't a bad thing. I have trouble opening up not because I feel uncomfortable and not because I can't trust the person that wants to know. It's because I simply forget to tell people and then when they ask, I don't know how to describe it. 

I tend to think in visuals and single words, thinking like this makes it difficult to translate it into something comprehendible. They tend to say (when I tell them I don't know how to describe it) describe what you're seeing. The things I see mean what I want them to mean, so they could mean something completely different to the person that wants to know.

That crush I had when I talked about boys, he's been my boyfriend for three months, every time I'm with him, the only emotion is happiness. He makes me so happy it's unreal

Welp. Happy, Sad. Not going to lie, I'm giving myself a whiplash.

I'll try to get back on track with the blogs...

Yours India x

Friends. 

I have no bloody idea what I'd do without them. Absolutely no idea. 

When you get to a point where you actually can tell them things about yourself that are difficult to tell, they're true friends, it feels like you're swimming in the sea and you just float to the top... yeah, I'm aware I'm a big fat ball of cringe right now but I really don't care, the rest of this is about to get a hell of a lot more cringe so buckle up...

I feel dedicated to write this post right now as a thank you, I don't think any thank you would be enough... ever, because I've been going through a rough patch and I didn't know how much they really care about me until now. Because they genuinely really do. Even the ones you didn't think you were that close with. They're there too, which makes you closer to them in the shortest amount of time. 

I felt alone in this situation, but I realised that I was more surrounded by friends than I thought. I'm a normal human being, well all feel rough but that's why we always have someone to pick us back up when you are just too sensitive to pick yourself up. Talking to the family sometimes seems like it isn't an option, so you don't have to, hell, I didn't till my mum heard me balling my eyes out in my room. It's difficult because maybe it doesn't feel like it, but in reality, they're the people we always want to show our best parts to, and if we show this part we think that they wont have the same mindset about you, but in reality it will strengthen your bond, for example, I know that if I do a shitty drawing then I'm not going to show my parents, but I feel like I can show my friends and they'll make fun of it with me... It's nice when you have a different relationship between the two because that way you become closer in different ways, which is what makes it more exciting. 

My family is so important to me. I mean, of course... but I will always have a barrier of things I'd share with my family and what I share with my friends... Grades, achievements, happy moments.... I'll share those with anyone, because I'm proud...most of the time! But sometimes the bad things, those are the things you need to tell someone more because they might actually think differently and give you better advice than you reckoned. 

When they are there for you it's as if a million lights light up in your heart, almost bringing tears to your eyes because all of a sudden you don't feel as alone. It's the imperfections are the things that attract me to the people I'm friends with, it always has been. That relaxed sensation after you've been stressed out for so long is one of the most greatest feelings I've felt yet. You feel loose, flexible. Ready to be productive, wanting to do more. 

Writing this blog, this is me finally seeing the light. I feel calm. I feel relaxed. I no longer feel claustrophobic in my head, it feels fresh. 

I'm happy, I'm so happy. Everything feels right....It's all because of my friends...(and family!)

Yours India x

Ugh. Get off my back! I'm only 14!

School what are you doing to me??

Right now my tutor class and I are sick of the pressure. We've made a petition. Less homework more sleep. Huh? What? Why would any tutor accept to that? Well he came up with the idea actually. Thankfully, I get much less homework than many of my friends...but I still get a load...enough to get me stressed and under the pressure to do well. Basically what we've done was put a compelling argument to our point.... #yepilisteninenglishclass. But really sleep provides energy and attendance for the whole day, it also gives us time to grow and relax, something teenagers especially need. and homework gets in the bleumin way of my growing, and everyone wonders why I'm 5'4?!

Anyway off topic. Pressure is one of the hardest things about school, boys and social media for that fact, if you think about it, everything puts pressure on you...no matter what it is.

If you go to a school like mine you'll have the pressure of picking the perfectly comfortable yet 'not just rolled out of bed' look. It's hard! One thing I've learnt is if you just put a nice looking jacket, for example from Zara, H&M or even Stradivarious, it makes the outfit like 5 times less, you know, ew.

Finding the right balance between school work and procrastination is difficult. It seems at times you must, you just must, refill the paper in the printer. The urge is like a craving on your period and you just need to listen to it! Something so stupid and meaningless you wonder whether the work actually needs to be done... Then all of a sudden its due the next day and there you are under that pressure that you dread, and well done because we made it ourselves... If we had just done it when we got it then it would be fine. And I mean we know that but let me just refill the Ink of the printer too! We just repeat the process again and again. So stop nagging yourself, it'll never change.

We go to school to learn not to mention bringing the learning home... like no. I've had enough. Just let me nap.

But on a more serious note, it's like that stupid girl with attitude issues. Always need validation from everyone and I seriously mean everyone, "oooh Mrs. James I love your polka dot cardigan! It matches so well with those striped socks!" type of validation. Like the school they don't care who you are and what you do with your life. They won't leave you till you start doing something with your life either. Like, no. Ew. Stop. Go away.

'Til next time!

Yours India x

**Sorry that I have been inconsistent in posting, homework has been hectic and PSAT revision has been taking up a lot of time.**

Boys.

​The best part of school for some. That feeling when you have someone to drool over... whenever they say hi to you or they start a conversation with you... maybe even the slightest flirting, your heart flutters. The sight of them being happy makes you happy. The way they look at something they take interest in... you wish that they looked at you that way... maybe they do? Just never admit it, which makes you want them more. Cuddles. Someone just to listen to you. Someone you honestly like to spend time with. I know for a fact all my previous crushes used to be someone hot who never talked to me... but when you find someone who is genuinely nice to you, and with the extra addition of being drop-dead gorgeous... you can't help but to think about them. No matter the year they're in as long as they make you happy... then why not?

Why am I talking about this? Because I'm one of those girls that thinks the only way for my feelings to be told is anonymously. I can never tell my feelings the way some people can... I'm very envious of someone that can own their feelings... but I do not have the answer as to why I'm like that... all I know is that this boy. He's perfect. The perfect crush. Unfortunately, it looks like thats all it'll be... for now...

For once I'm not being sarcastic.

​Yours India x

School.

Maths, Science, French, German and English. Ew. 

Every single human that goes to school most likely thinks "ew" when they think of those subjects. If you don't...please share some intel.

My first week of school was looonnnggg. Staying till 5pm almost everyday with an 8am start. Lovely. At least I can eat in class because if I couldn't, well let's just say it wouldn't be my voice putting people off their work.

As much as I hate it and as much as I complain. I am very grateful.

​I did like somethings like seeing my friends and making new ones.

Even though a week felt like a year. I would say I'm prepared. But. I'm not.

Donne-moi de la chance pour le reste de l'année...

Yours India x

School is approaching and my summer is almost over. Yipee! **not**

When September 4th arrives my lazy days are over.

No more staying up till the sun rises, no more having breakfast at 12pm and no more travelling.

Sooner or later the pile of homework will rise and I will have no choice but to finish it. Walking in on the first day and when that first 5 minute bell rings you have 5 minutes to say good-bye to about 6570 hours of time to school work and exams. Can't wait.

At 14. Beginning Freshman year should be a weird feeling, but maybe because I am not changing school I don't feel such pressure to look absolutely fabulous. I know who I am going to be seeing, maybe some new faces here and there but inevitably, whether its the first day or the last day what ever I'm wearing I'm still going to look the same. It's not like I'm planning on getting plastic surgery anytime soon.

I can't do much in the last weekend I have free of school. I can't make the most of my freedom because I am 14 and I don't have enough money to just casually fly to Maui and back for 2 days, but what I can do is prepare myself for another 9 months of no hot boys to look at.

I hope you all have a wonderful year, I know I'm going to try.

Yours India x



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